The Cullens get better acquainted with MSN
by The Unnamed One
Summary: Written with writer's block. Random conversations with the Cullens. Just you know, something mental. Rated T, but seriously, ONLY if you're a teen. Review please x


**A/N**: I know loads of people have done this, but I wanted a go at some random conversations.  
Full credit to good ol' Robert with the "I FUND THE HART BUTON!" thing. That was totally entirely his idea. You know, because he's witty like that. Oh, and in my first draft of this it was "Bella's Computer" But then I decided to go post-Breaking Dawn.  
**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, anything remotely twilighty or Stephenie Meyer-ish. As much as I'd like to, it belongs to her and her alone. *Sigh.*  
**  
Written with writers block—basically, it's a run through of some of the electrical devices that the vamps have better acquainted themselves to. Mainly MSN, but I threw in a very _very_ short facebook, and a few texts. It's a laugh? I can only hope.

Adult themes, but nothing too bad. Well. I say that. It's fine if you're the average twelve-year-old or over. Might be some bad language. I can't remember.

**Enjoy!**

**The Cullens get better acquainted with MSN: AKA: Vampire Network**

**Bella:** Hey, Alice.  
**Alice: **Woah! The computer! It made a noise! Who are you?  
**Bella: **Alice, it's just me. Bella.  
**Alice:** But Bella doesn't live in the computer. The only people who live in the computer are Titania and Oberon.  
**Bella:** What?  
**Alice: **Nothing.  
_Emmett has just signed in._  
**Bella: **Hah, should we add Emmett?  
**Alice:** Um, you don't want to do that, Bella.  
**Bella:** Sure I do!  
_Emmett had been added to the conversation._  
**Emmett:** What the hell?  
**Bella: **Hey, Emmett!  
**Emmett:** Bellapuss! How are you?  
**Bella:** Bellapuss?  
**Emmett: **Yes, you are a cat now.  
**Bella:** Um. Yay?  
**Emmett: **Yeah, I wanted to call you Mr Snuffles but Edward objected.  
**Bella:** Edward's online? OMG! HE BLOCKED ME! THE SWINE!  
**Emmett: **:D  
**Alice: **OMG! You can change your screen names on these things? Wow!  
**Bella:** EDWARD BLOCKED ME. :'( :'( :'(  
**Emmett: **He's not online, Bella. He's hunting.  
**Bella: **THEN WHY DID YOU SAY HE BLOCKED ME?!  
**Emmett: **I didn't. You assume way too much.  
**Bella:** Woe is me.  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L): **I fund the hart button!  
**Bella:** You 'fund' the 'hart' button? Is it even a button? It's an icon!  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L): **Shut up and go get some vampire sex.  
**Bella: **Edward's home?  
**Emmett:** No, but everyone else is out. I'm home alone. ;)  
**Bella:** Ew! Then where's Alice?  
**Emmett: **Actually, yeah. Where _is _Alice?  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L):** Empire state building.  
**Bella: **What?  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L):** You know, that really tall building. I'm on top.  
**Emmett: **REALLY?  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L):** Christ, no! I'm at Starbucks.  
**Bella:** Why Starbucks?  
**Alice:** I don't know. It's nice here. And there's the hottest waiter over there… just look at that ass.  
**Emmett:** I'M TELLING JASPER!  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L):** Shut up, Emmett.  
**Emmett:** I'M TELLING JASPER!  
**Emmett:** I'M TELLING JASPER!  
**Emmett:** I'M TELLING JASPER!  
**Emmett:** I'M TELLING JASPER!  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L):** Shut UP, Emmett.  
**Emmett:** I'M TELLING JASPER!  
**Emmett:** I'M TELLING JASPER!  
**Emmett:** I'M TELLING JASPER!  
_Alice has signed out._  
**Bella._x:** Haha, you scared her away.  
**Emmett: **Shut up.  
**EmmyBear:** I AM YOUR RULER!  
**Bella._x:** I beg to differ. Is Edward back yet?  
**EmmyBear:** Um, he just got out of the car. Where ARE you anyway?  
**Bella._x:** Meadow.  
**EmmyBear:** How romantic. (!).  
**Bella._x:** Is Edward back yet?  
**EmmyBear:** Didn't you ask that like, 17 seconds ago?  
**Bella._x:** 12, actually. Is he back yet?  
**EmmyBear:** Yes, he's back, and he's on his laptop.  
_Edward has just signed in._  
**Bella._x: **EDWARD! EDWARD! EDWARD!

**Bella._x:** EDWARD.  
**Edward: **BELLA.  
**Bella._x:** EDWARD.  
**Edward: **BELLA.  
**Bella._x:** EDWARD.  
**Edward: **BELLA.  
**Bella._x:** Sex?  
**Edward: **You bet. Where are you?  
**Bella._x:** The meadow.  
**Edward: **Kinky.  
**Bella._x:** No, Edward.  
**Edward: **Please?  
**Bella._x: **No.  
**Edward: **BELLA.  
**Bella._x:** EDWARD.  
**Edward: **BELLA.  
**Bella._x: **Sex.  
**Edward: **Your place or mine?  
**Bella._x:** Ours.  
**Edward: **No meadow?  
**Bella._x: **No meadow.  
**Edward: **Darn.

**Bella._x:** I'm going, bye.  
**EmmyBear:** Have fun ;)  
**Bella._x:** What's that supposed to mean?  
**EmmyBear:** Nothing ;)  
**Bella._x:** … VINCENT PRICE!  
**EmmyBear:** BRUCE FORSYTHE!  
**Bella._x:** Bye.

**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L): **OMG! BELLA! THAT WAS SO FUN!  
**Bella._x: **I disagree.  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L): **Waiii?  
**Bella._x: **Four hours, Alice. Four hours of trying on random dresses and telling you how cute yours was. **  
Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L): **Why duncha like shooooopping?  
**Bella._x: **I don't mind shopping, Alice. I just don't like trying on random dresses.**  
Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L): **But they were nice dresses!  
**Bella._x: **I disagree.  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L): **Waiii?  
**Bella._x: **One of them was lime green, Alice. With purple polka dots.  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L): **I think that sounds awesome. Just like vimto!  
**Bella._x: **No, nothing like vimto.**  
Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L): **Meh. Anyway, are you happy with the one you have?  
**Bella._x: **Yes, Alice, it was lovely. Thanks.  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L): **Anytime. Can I add in Jasper?  
**Bella._x: **Shoot. **  
Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L): **YAY!  
_Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen has been added to the conversation._  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L): **Jasper hath been summoned!  
**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** Hola, dudes. Dudettes.  
**Bella._x: **Hey, Jasper.  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L):** JASPY!  
**Bella._x: **Jaspy?**  
Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L): **YEAH! Jaspy, your display name is so boring. Change it. :3  
**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** No (:  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L): **How rude!  
**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** Meh.  
**Bella._x: **Don't go there (;  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L):** OH NO HE DI'n'T!  
**Bella._x: **OH YES HE DI'!  
**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** Don't go there, girlfriend ;)  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L):** I think I just did ;)  
**Bella._x: **What are we talking about?  
**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** God knows.

**Bella._x:** EDWARD.  
**Edward: **BELLA.  
**Bella._x:** EDWARD.  
**Edward: **BELLA.  
**Bella._x:** EDWARD.  
**Edward: **BELLA.  
**Bella._x:** Hi.  
**Edward: **Hi.  
**Bella._x:** Change your display name (:  
**Edward: **Why?  
**Bella._x: **Because I love you, Edward.  
**Edward: **Oh, fair enough, love.  
**Bella._x: **Yay!  
**Eddiepuss: **BELLA.  
**Bella._x:** EDWARD.  
**Eddiepuss: **Change yours. : D  
**Bella._x:** Fine, but only if you tell me why you wouldn't let Emmett call me Mr Snuffles.**  
Eddiepuss: **Um… Because you're not a man?  
**Bellapuss: **Fair enough.**  
Eddiepuss: **Aw, sweet (:  
**Bellapuss: **Ikr?**  
Eddiepuss: **Lingo. Does. Not. Compute.  
**Bellapuss: **Huh?**  
Eddiepuss: **"Ikr"?  
**Bellapuss: **Oh, Ikr – I know right?**  
Eddiepuss: **Oh right.  
**Bellapuss: **You bet your sweet ass I'm right.**  
Eddiepuss: **Oh, she went there.  
**Bellapuss: **Don't go there!**  
Eddiepuss: **But you're there!  
**Bellapuss: **F- No, I went there, but I'm back now.**  
Eddiepuss: **Yay!  
**Bellapuss: **Edward…**  
Eddiepuss:** A-yesss?  
**Bellapuss: **Where exactly is 'there'?**  
Eddiepuss: **God knows.  
**Bellapuss: **Uh… Huh.**  
Eddiepuss: **Did you have fun shopping with Alice?  
**Bellapuss: **What do you think?**  
Eddiepuss: **Hah.  
**Bellapuss: **No, seriously, what are you thinking?**  
Eddiepuss: **I'm wondering where you are and why we aren't currently getting it awn.  
**Bellapuss: **Hm.**  
Eddiepuss:** What are you thinking?  
**Bellapuss: **Do gay men get turned on by their own bodies?**  
Eddiepuss: **Let's ask Mike : D  
**Bellapuss: **Hah! TOTALLY!  
_Mike has been added to the conversation._  
**Bellapuss:** Mike, do gay men get turned on by their own bodies?**  
Mike:** What? How would I know?  
**Bellapuss: **Well…**  
Eddiepuss: **Duh, you're gay.  
**Bellapuss: **Edward! So much for subtlety!**  
Eddiepuss:** Meh.  
**Mike:** Yeah, I don't know about the whole gay men thing…  
**Bellapuss: **Poor lamb.**  
Eddiepuss: **I thought it was a stupid lamb?  
**Bellapuss: **You remember? : D**  
Eddiepuss: **Yes, of course.  
**Bellapuss: **YAY! Edward's a sick masochistic lion. ;)  
_Mike has left the conversation._  
**Eddiepuss: **Yay!**  
Bellapuss: **That bitch! DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION!  
_Mike has been added to the conversation._  
**Bellapuss: **Mike you sonofabitch!**  
Mike:** What?!**  
Eddiepuss: **Oh, she went there.  
**Bellapuss: **Do you, or do you not, get turned on by yourself?**  
Mike:** No, Bella, no I don't.  
**Bellapuss: **Meh, I suppose you're not very hot.**  
Eddiepuss: **God, I love you.  
**Bellapuss: **Love you too. (:**  
Eddiepuss:** L'you more x  
**Bellapuss: **Why exactly do 'x's represent kisses? Why not a 'q'? Or an… 'f'?**  
Eddiepuss: **Um. I don't know.  
**Bellapuss: **LET'S ASK CARLISLE!**  
Eddiepuss: **Kay.  
**Mike:** Can I go now? **  
Eddiepuss: **Yes. We are your superiors. Leave, mortal.  
_Mike has left the conversation._  
_Dr No has been added to the conversation._  
**Bellapuss: **Dr No? That's his screen name?**  
Dr No:** Yes, Bella, yes it is. Where are you?  
**Bellapuss: **Starbucks. : D**  
Eddiepuss: **Why?**  
Bellapuss: **Ask Alice. Carlisle…**  
Dr No: **Yes, Bella?**  
Bellapuss: **Why does the letter 'x' represent a kiss?  
**Eddiepuss:** Why not a 'q'? or 'f'?  
**Bellapuss: **STOP QUOTIN' ME BITCH!**  
Eddiepuss: **Sorry *smiles*  
**Bellapuss: ***Swoon.***  
Dr No:** …Uh. Okay.  
**Bellapuss: **So, doc, the kisses thing?**  
Dr No: **It's a type of Greek onomatopoeia.  
**Bellapuss: **I'm none the wiser, doc. **  
Dr No:** Stop calling me 'doc'.  
**Bellapuss: **Sorry, Doctor Carlisle Cullen, General Practitioner and Vampire Surgeon Extraordinaire. ; D**  
Dr No: **You know what? 'Doc' is fine.  
**Bellapuss: **No, I like this one. Dr Fang ;)  
**Eddiepuss: **Good one ^  
**Bellapuss: **Thanks : D Anyway, Greek onomatopoeia?**  
Dr No:** Do you know what onomatopoeia is?  
**Bellapuss: **Yes.**  
Dr No:** And you understand the concept of the Greek?  
**Bellapuss: **Yes.**  
Dr No:** Then what's the problem?  
**Bellapuss: **Why is Greek onomatopoeia different from regular onomatopoeia?  
**Dr No:** Different alphabet.  
**Bellapuss:** Ooooh. **  
Eddiepuss:** Bee are bee!  
**Dr No:** Bee are bee?  
**Bellapuss:** Sound it out, Dr Fang.  
**Dr No:** Oooh. It's all making sense now…  
**Bellapuss:** *rolls eyes* BRB = Be Right Back. It's an acronym.  
**Dr No:** Thanks, Bella.  
**Bellapuss:** MEOW!  
**Dr No:** What?  
**Bellapuss:** MEOW! PANTS! PANTS! MEOW!  
**Eddiepuss:** Bach.  
**Bellapuss: **Hoorah!  
**Eddiepuss**: (:  
**Dr No:** Gotta dash, guys. Lives to save and all that.  
**Bellapuss:** Bye, Dr Fang!  
**Eddiepuss:** Toodles.  
_Dr No has left the conversation._  
**Bellapuss:** Toodles?  
**Eddiepuss:** I've been spending too much time with Emmett.  
**Bellapuss:** You think?  
**Eddiepuss: **Love you, Bellakins.  
**Bellapuss:** Love you more, McEdward.  
**Eddiepuss:** What are you doing at Starbucks?  
**Bellapuss:** Ask Alice. Gotta scoot, kaythanksbyelove!  
**Eddiepuss:** I will! Bye, love. Have fun ;)  
**Bellapuss:** Why does everyone keep saying that?  
_Bellapuss has signed out._

**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** Emmett…  
**EmmyBear:** Yeah?  
**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** Why is your facebook status 'is currently being sucked off by Rose'?  
**EmmyBear:** Three guesses, big guy.  
**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** Oh hell no.  
**EmmyBear**: You love it, dude.  
**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** To your great surprise, Emmett, I really don't.  
**EmmyBear:** meh. I blame society.  
**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** I blame your face!  
**EmmyBear:** What about my face?!  
**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** ;)  
**EmmyBear**: You. Me. Outside. Right now.  
_Eddiepuss has been added to the conversation._  
**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** Eep. Scared. You should like a pervert. Col!  
**EmmyBear:** Col?  
**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** Chuckle out loud. (Does it amuse you how he questions that and not the pervert part?)  
**Eddiepuss:** God, Emmett, everyone knows that. (Ikr?)  
**EmmyBear:** Shut up, Edward. Go be obsessive with Bella.  
**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** Aw. (Don't listen to him Eddie!)  
**Eddiepuss:** (Hah, he can't read stuff in here cause it's in brackets.) *growl*  
**EmmyBear**: Ooh, scary.  
**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** (Omg! You're right!) Emmett, shut up and enjoy your blow job.  
**Eddiepuss:** Blow jo- Jasper, what the hell?  
**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** Go on facebook.  
**Eddiepuss:** …Ew.  
**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** Ikr?  
**EmmyBear:** Just because Rose wants to…  
**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** Doesn't mean you should tell the internet.  
**EmmyBear:** Maybe Bill Gates wants to know.  
**Eddiepuss:** -Facepalm-  
**Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen:** Yeah… I'm going now…  
**Eddiepuss:** Don't leave me alone with this guy!  
_Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen has left the conversation._  
_Eddiepuss has signed out._  
**EmmyBear:** I am the supreme leader ;)

**JAKE…ob:** OMG is it true?  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L): **Yes, Jacob. Sorry.  
**JAKE…ob:** Do you know what I'm talking about?  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L): **Not a clue.  
**JAKE…ob:** :)  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L): **Bye, smelly.  
**JAKE…ob:** Bye, leech.

**A/N: ^ I have conversations like that ALL the time. So don't say it's pointless. ; D**

**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L):** Hey, Edward.  
**Eddiepuss:** Alice, what's so special about Starbucks?  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L): **Well...  
**Eddiepuss:** ?  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L):** Thereisareallyhotguywhoworksthereandhehasthesweetestassieverdidsee.  
**Eddiepuss:** Uh… huh.  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L):** Why?  
**Eddiepuss:** Bella's there.  
**Alice (L)(L)Jasper(L)(L):** Uh… huh. Gotta scoot, kthxbai!  
**Eddiepuss:** Bye?  
_Alice has signed out._

*******

TEXTS (:

**OMG, Alice, that guy does have a cute ass. Even if it does smell funny here.**

_Ikr? I spse tht the sml is sumthng wev gotta put up wth if we wont mor of his ass ;)_

**I suppose I gotta come home now, right?**

_Yeh, Ed fund out y ur at *$._

**Crap, how?**

_He woz gunna get mi car, bella._

**You will never be forgiven.**

_Soz. Xxxx_

*******

**Eddiepuss:** BELLA!  
**Bellapuss:** EDWARD (: How's life?  
**Eddiepuss:** Strange. I can now hear the thoughts of random objects.  
**Bellapuss:** Really?  
**Eddiepuss:** Yeah, I mean just a moment ago, the computer was like, "Hey, doorknob, Edward's turning me on."  
**Bellapuss:** Oh…Kay… What'd the doorknob say to that?  
**Eddiepuss:** Something about catnip.  
**Bellapuss:** And where's the chandelier in all of this?  
**Eddiepuss:** God, Bella, chandeliers can't think. Crazy fool.  
**Bellapuss:** You're the one who just told me that the doorknob likes catnip.  
**Eddiepuss:** Meh. Anyway, how's your life?  
**Bellapuss:** Uneventful.  
**Eddiepuss:** Poor Bella.  
**Bellapuss:** Sex?  
**Eddiepuss:** Yes. Definitely. Meadow?  
**Bellapuss:** Hmm.. let me think about that. NO.  
**Eddiepuss:** Fine.  
**Bellapuss:** Sex?  
**Eddiepuss:** Yes. Let's go.  
**Bellapuss:** Race you.  
**Eddiepuss:** 3  
**Eddiepuss:** 2  
**Eddiepuss:** 1  
**Bellapuss:** GO.

**EmmyBear:** Rose! OMG! I found Aro's facebook!  
**_rosiee-hale: **Omi, fo realz?  
**EmmyBear:** Yeah! I just added him – he must be online. He accepted.  
**_rosiee-hale: **Oh mi. Print screen for me?  
**EmmyBear:** Just add him!  
**_rosiee-hale: **Print screen!  
**EmmyBear:** Okay, okay..  
**_rosiee-hale: **That's my boy.

**Facebook**

**Aro Volturi **is confused about Facebook.  
**Wall**  
**Aro Volturi **is friends with **Emmett Cullen.**  
**Aro Volturi** wrote on **Marcus Volturi**'s wall.  
**Marcus Volturi:** Hey Aro (: So, Caius and I were thinking… you want to go check up on those dudes in the south?  
**Aro Volturi** is friends with **Marcus Volturi.**  
**Aro Volturi** is friends with **Caius Volturi.**  
**Aro Volturi** joined facebook.

**_rosiee-hale: **Oh my; THL.  
**EmmyBear:** THL?  
**_rosiee-hale: **That's highly laughable.  
**EmmyBear:** Oh. Ha.  
**_rosiee-hale: **Hah, indeed.  
**EmmyBear:** So, what now? Shall I add him on MSN?  
**_rosiee-hale: **YES.  
**_rosiee-hale: **THAT IS DEFINITELY WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.  
**_rosiee-hale: **YES.  
**EmmyBear:** Just add him!  
**_rosiee-hale: **Print screen!  
**EmmyBear:** Okay, okay..  
**_rosiee-hale: **That's my boy.  
**EmmyBear:** Rose! OMG! I found Aro's facebook!  
**_rosiee-hale: **Omi, fo realz?  
**EmmyBear:** Yeah! I just added him – he must be online. He accepted.  
**_rosiee-hale: **Oh mi. Print screen for me?  
**EmmyBear:** Just add him!  
**_rosiee-hale: **Print screen!  
**EmmyBear:** Okay, okay..  
**_rosiee-hale: **That's my boy.

**A/N:** That was fun, right? I don't plan to write more. It could happen, but I only wrote this to help me through my block. Please review (:  
~Tasha._x


End file.
